(x-posted from the LJ … originally posted 01-07-06)
I think most everybody who knows me knows I’ve been having trouble with writing for quite some time. As in, several years, at this point. (Gods, it’s hard to believe this much time has gone by.) I’ve been trying to figure out why for the longest time. Most recently, I’d attributed part of it to the difference in atmosphere between early Forward Motion (from the time I joined) and Evolution. IE, lack of activity, difficulty finding people to brainstorm, etc. While that’s certainly a contributing factor, and something that needs to be (and is being) addressed as a matter of course, it’s not the main issue.
I think I figured it out the other day.
It’s kind of odd how it came about, actually. I was thinking about magic, and how I know people who are able to trust what they sense in the magical/psychic “world” without doubting themselves. I haven’t been able to do that, for the most part. I talk with others, get their opinion, check it out … basically, validation. I have trouble believing myself.
And then it struck me. I do the same thing with writing. I had the same trouble I’m having now before I joined FM and got with a group of people who gave me encouragement and support. I brainstormed Stronger with Robert and other people in BN course… and got used to that. Very used to people being there for me to toss ideas off of … and it wasn’t even that I needed alternative suggestions all the time. Sometimes it was just enough to say, “Yup, you’re going in the right direction. Keep it up.”
And… well. That’s a problem. Because I don’t, at the core, trust my own judgement. I’ve known for a long time that I have issues with needing permission. Even when I was a kid, I didn’t dare do things for fear that I might get in trouble. I was the little girl who went to her friend’s sleepover party and wouldn’t want a particular TV show with them the next morning because my parents didn’t let me watch it at home. And it’s not just stuff like that, it was even things I knew for a fact were okay. I still have trouble with that. Like, going out on my own without Morgan telling me it’s okay.
I guess I have issues with (in)dependence. And that’s a hard thing for me to say, because … well. I’m not exactly a weak-willed quiet woman here!
I just… I knew about it on the magical level. And I knew about it on the personal. And I’ve been working on it. But I didn’t think it stretched out to my writing, too. Cause it’s not like I’m not confident. To be honest, I know at least as much, if not more, than most of the other writers I hang out with … yet I need permission/validation. I guess that’s been the problem. Because before, at FM, there were people that I considered my “superiors,” as it were. People I could go to, ask questions, get answers… and that’s not the case at Evo. If anything, I’ve been put in the position of the “superior,” and that’s a little odd for me.
In a strange way, though, it’s … empowering to have made the recognition. Because knowing about it… I can change it. I couldn’t when I didn’t know quite what the problem was. Now that I do … I can start to move forward again. I’ve been treading water these past few years and, well, I’m sick of it.
(Should I be disturbed that I can psychoanalyse myself like this? o.O)