(x-posted from the LJ. Originally posted 02-0-06.)
For the first time in nearly three years, I believe I can do it. Deep down, I believe.
I used to believe that I could–that I *would*–be published. That I’d manage to make it. Break out. Affect change, if even in my own quiet little way. Even a tiny pebble dropped into the waves ripples outward, after all.
I don’t know exactly what happened, or maybe it was everything combined… but something in me *broke* three years ago. Cause I’d try to tell myself it was true, try to force myself to believe it, but it was like my heart was … empty. Like where there’d once been a well of hope and determination, there was a gaping hole… the abyss.
I don’t know what changed. I don’t know if it was the realisation I made a few weeks ago regarding writing, or if that was only the catalyst… but I have hope again. Determination. And confidence.
I’ll do it. I *know* I will… and this time it’s not me parroting words in a vain effort to convince myself. I *believe* it.
And that… that feeling is euphoric.