I actually wanted to expand on something I said there, but wasn’t immediately relevant to the post. I mentioned that writing is my calling, and for me that’s been very true. I’d told stories from a very young age, but it wasn’t until I was eight and started writing more frequently that I realized it was what I wanted to do with my life. Being a kid and all, I sure as hell had plenty of other things I wanted to do — primarily, veterinarian or nurse. But that one thing always stayed with me: Writing.
Several years ago at this point (wowâ€¦ it’s hard to believe that much time has passed), when my Dad and I were butting heads because I wanted to leave college and he wanted me to be an English professor, I wrote him a letter explaining my plans — and how I felt about writing. Something I said in the letter:
Ultimately, I have to follow God’s will. I have to follow what feels right. This is not new. This is not some harebrained plan I just thought up. This is something I’ve wanted since I was eight years old. It’s a calling, just the same as a shaman is called. Some people have worked damn hard at crushing my dream, and they nearly managed to. [Former writing group] restored that, and I’ll be forever grateful to them for that. I can do this. I have a confidence in myself and my abilities that I never had before.
This isn’t just a hobby. This isn’t even just a career. This is me.
Certainly, a lot has changed since I wrote that letter. Obviously, I’m not Christian anymore, and I’m no longer at my former writers’ group. While I am still grateful for everything they did to help me, the circumstances under which I left wereâ€¦ not pleasant, to say the least.
But my feelings toward writing haven’t changed. I still view it as a deep calling. I’ve dealt with so many doubts since I wrote that letter â€¦ I’ve had so many people nearly convince me that I shouldn’t waste my time; that I should go back to school and get a “real” job â€¦ I’ve looked at other things so many times, but nothing calls to me like this. There are other things I could do well, but they would be so intensive that I wouldn’t have much of a life. (Of course, the whole fibro issue complicates things.)
Recently, I’ve been back to wondering if it’s the right thing — maybe I really am wasting my time here — maybe —
Then I think back to my accomplishments over the past year alone. I’m finally making serious progress. I need to learn how to work with stress better than I have been, but â€¦ this is what I’m meant to do. And I can’t go letting some stupid stuffy Inner Dickwad keep beating me down. 😕
Now that I’ve gone baring myself here 😉 how do you feel about writing? Am I the only one who feels so deeply drawn to the field, to the point I can’t ever see myself doing something else? What about you?